Biff and Buffy Part 2
a lustful, racy, yet tasteless, saga built around manly Biff and Beautimus Buffy

10:00 AM. Biff and Buffy roll into the Hi-Rollers Rod Run at the Beverly Flats Hilton. Several rodders walk over to Biff's new ride for a look-see.

Wow Biff, what is this? Looks like a 1 & 1/8 scale 39 Roll 4 door resto-rod. This is one big ride.

Biff and Buffy proudly climb out of their brand new street rod and engage in a hushed conversation that suddenly bursts into a shouting match. "Look Buffy, why don't you just go inside and get us checked in. If you get bored, go shopping or something, get your hair or nails done, do %$#^&* something to keep yourself occupied and out of my face"! Go look at yourself in the mirror or something.

10:15 What's the trouble Biff? Aw heck it's my old lady. She gets all ticked off when the car attracts more attention than she does. I've spent half her court award for a leaky silicone implant on this thing. I had Billet Billy build it just for her. You'd think she'd lighten up. It was her idea to 24K gold plate the grill, bumpers, and the 18" wheels. should have left it stock then nobody would pay any attention to it.

Tell us about the car, it sure is unusual. Well, everybody knows the trouble we had with the 34 roadster. I wanted the luxury of all the electrical gadgets and tricks and they just about did me in. I took it back to the Billet shop to have an electronic over hydraulic over pneumatic ride installed. They wouldn't do it.

Billy told me if I wanted a $%#^& Lexus, to go out and buy one. So I did. They took in my $100,000 roadster for a $20,000 down payment.

Drove this brand new 95' rice burner back to the shop and told'em to make a street rod out of it.Thought Billy was gonna throw me out. Guess I had misunderstood him. They told me I didn't enough money to make a rod out of the Lexus but, we had a half million buck settlement coming from Buffie's flat chest to play with; so I told'em to go for it.

Ya should have seen'm. They took a gas axe and cut the body off at the floor pan. It was amazing nothing left but a chassis, dashboard, steering wheel and the front and rear seat. While they were torchin the moon roof out of the body shell.....it caught fire. Ya should have seen that Foreign piece of junk burn. It's a good thing they had already stripped all the computers, wires and mechanisms out of the body.

Anyway We went looking for an old car to slip down over the parts of the Lexus we had saved. Buffy has impeccable taste when it comes to cars and she chose this beautiful old Rolls Royce. (could it be the same Rolls from last month's column? we wonder.) Thing only had 6000 actual miles on it. She darned near bought a 37 Hudson pickup but didn't like the hood ornament. She thought it would be cute to call the car a RO-LEX. Ordered a set of personalized plates the day we transferred the title.

The shop torched out the floor and dropped the body over what was left of the Lexus. Didn't fit. Had to split the thing right down the middle with a Sawzall then weld it back together. Did you know that old Rolls' have aluminum bodies?
Thought about having it bare metal polished but that would have been a bit much. Buffy and I are pretty conservative people and not into showing off. We're just typical, down to earth street rodders.

Check out the inside: used all the Lexus upholstery, dash and everything. Dual air bags are standard. Actually there are four air bags in the car when my wife is with me. Had her hoots converted from silicone to pneumatic. She just blows'm up or deflates'm through a billet stainless steel valve in her bellybutton. Actually that trick valve on the dash pulls out and has a little hose hooked to the lumbar support air pump. The gadget right beside it is a Preparation H pump. Billy ripped it off the soap dispenser in his shop toilet.

11:00 AM.. oh, oh here comes Buffy, looks like she's got fire in her eyes. O Geeze, her chest went flat again. Biff, Biff, pay attention to me! We gotta get the %$$^#& out of here. Fire up the RO-LEX and make sure that %$$^#& air pump is working. Every time we go out on one of these hot rod things, some sort of disaster strikes. I'm beginning to think we're jinxed or something. We can spend weeks on the yacht and nothing happens. Play tennis or golf for days on end and nothing ever goes wrong. Take a ride in a street rod ????? and something breaks down, quits, leaks or gets spilled on me.

When I went into the Hilton to register, all of those street rodders wives were staring at me. One of my spike heels got caught on the carpet and I fell flat on my pneumatics. Got to the desk and told the clerk to find the Biff and Buffy Wanabe's reservations and...and they all just started laughing. Biff!... dadgum it , this seat recliner won't work. You know I can't inflate these things if I'm not lying flat on my back. Nothing ever works on these foreign cars. That Billy should be shot for telling you to get a Lexus. We should have started with a Volvo. The end.