Biff and Buffy Part 1
(Old Farts Car Club newsletter)

Let's set the stage: Biff and Buffy are a well to do couple in their late 40's. Biff is a commodities broker and Buffy thrives on upscale social activities. They are really great people who have decided to bail out of snobby, high rolling society and join the ranks of street rodding. Biff, being a cool dude met up with a bunch of hot rodders and decided to hang out. After a deep discussion with Biffy they decided to take out an Equity Line Of Credit on one of their summer homes and buy a street rod. On June 26 1994, they took delivery of a 34 hiboy roadster from the emporium of "Billet Billy's Bought Rod Shop. They made a couple of evening cruises around their suburban community and were ecstatic about the smiles and attention they were generating from the local blue and white collar population. What a car, it was great, they felt like kids again. LET'S GO ON A ROD RUN!!! Let's take a week or two off and do it up right- We'll just take off and hit the highway; just wing it, eat at truck stops, stay at Motel 10's and enjoy rodding on the road like everyone else does.

Saturday morning,lO:AM Biff and Buffy drive the Benze down to the detail shop to pick up the 34 that has been spiffed up to show condition by Jaun and Jose. Buffy starts to load up the roadster with her luggage and discovers only half of it will fit. She's cool, no big deal. Let's go hon, the Interstate is waiting.

10:15 AM. This thing doesn't ride quite as well as it did around town does it? Aw what the heck, look at the scenery and everyone on the road smiles at us and offers a happy thumbs up- Way cool this

10:30 AM. Kinda windy huh? how ya feelin hon? Not bad Biff, but this bouncing is starting to make my chest hurt a little. Do you think Billet Billy can make the car ride a bit smoother? I don't know but I'll give him a call when we get back home next week.
11:00 AM. When you call Billy next week ask him if he can't do something about this seat. you know the problems I have when I sit too long in one position. Tell you what... let's stop at the next rest area and I'll dab on a bit of ointment... Maybe I can find a scarf in my luggage too. My hair is going to be full of knots pretty soon.
11:45 AM. Gee, must have left my cosmetics case in the Benze, can't find my ointment. No matter, next town we come to we can go shopping at a drug store. While we're there you had better buy a bottle of Sun Block you're gettin a bit red.
12:00 Noon. Time to eat and there's a truck stop at the next off
12 10 PM Biff, I'm really not too hungry- I don't want to go in there looking like this. Aw come on, this is part of the fun. I'll buy some gas while you freshen up, then we'll have a bite and be on our way. Darn it, I punched the button to open the electronic gas filler door and it didn't work. You think you've got problems? You should see that filthy bathroom and there were a couple of painted up ladies in there that looked like prostitutes. No big deal the attendant pried the gas door open with a screwdriver Billy can fix the broken latch and scratches when we get back. Let's chow down.
12:45 PM. Don't ever stop at another truck place. Did you see how those (ugh) truck drivers stared at me? The food was terrible. We may have to stop pretty soon, I feel like I may have to do the big do do. Yeah, me too, that was some pretty greasy stuff.
5 PM. Biff, I really gotta go. I've gotta too but we just can't stop along the road. Well this bouncing car isn't helping matters either. My boobies are bouncing and my butt itches and feels like it's on fire. Maybe you should call Billy at the next road stop and find out if there is something we can adjust to smooth out the ride on this--this---this-- darned hot rod.
1 20 PM. Biff, I'm going to mess my pants if you don't stop..Just
hold it a little longer. Biff, you son of a #$@^*, don't you
understand. I gott'a potty! This is agony- Hold on Buffy, there's a rest stop just up the road.
1:45 PM. Feel better now? Ya, how about you? Ya, me too. No more truck stops. By the way honey, I tried to get a jacket and hat for you out of the trunk but the electric latch won't work. When we start up into the hills, those clouds up there are really going to cool things off. But....the scenery will be beautiful..nothing like an open car right?? Dead silence.--
2:15 PM. Sure wish the sun would come back out and the pavement was a bit better. Well, I wish we were in the Benz! Can't we let some air out of the tires or ..something? My bouncing boobs are killing me. We've got to find a sports shop so I can buy a jogging bra. Look honey, I'am gettin tired of hearing about those boobs that cost me four thousand bucks and your hemroids. My back is killing me and my right foot fell asleep when the cruise control took a dump a hundred miles ago. The parking brake release is lying on the floor and the #$@^* glove box door is falling off. I tried to turn on the lights and those little doors in the hood won't open. This is one unhappy street rodder. That locked up trunk really ticks me off.I don't even know how were going to get to our luggage. I'm gonn'a get a piece of that Billy when we get home.
2:45 PM. Were going to stop in the next town. I'm going to call Billet Billy, buy some tools and get a first class motel room. This hot rodding stuff is really starting to mess with my brain.....
Tools?? You're buying tools? You don't even know how to open up a tool box. The when you tried to fix a faucet you flooded the #$@^* house. The last time you worked on a car a front wheel fell off.
3:00 pm. Biff honey, I'm sorry. I know you're getting upset and this whole trip is turning to PooPoo. Maybe things will get better.Thousands of other people take vacations in their street rods... we can do it too. When we get to the next town, you make your calls and buy your tools .... but first, take me to a store so I can do some shopping; I'm simply a mess.... Look Biffy, sweet heart, I'm going to try and be real kind. We can't do anything until I pry this #$@^* trunk lid open. Nobody in any of these hick #$@^* towns gives a crap how you look so don't worry about the cosmetics it looks like it's going to rain and we're going to freeze our collective butts off and the water will just ruin this leather upholstery. The most important thing on my mind is that car cover in the trunk. So, stop with the beauty pageant crap, shut the heck up and hope to hell we can get a suite in a decent #$@^* motel.
3:30 PM. What do you mean the motel is booked solid? It's #$@^* pouring down rain outside. My wife has a sensitive condition and has to soak her butt in a bath tub. My car is getting wet, there ain't hardware or auto parts house within 50 #$@^* miles. The 7-11 is out of Tucks and Preparation H. Everything electrical on my car took a giant dump including the fuel injection system. I'm so hungry I could eat the backside out of a skunk and you tell me the dining room doesn't open till 5-blankin-30??? Where's the #$@^* pay phone?
4:00 PM. Hello, Billet BILLY, this is Buff. Remember that 94 Duallie and 30 foot trailer you tried to sell me last week? Well go over to Jaun and Jose's detail shop and load my Benz into it. I'm way the heck out here in Bum Flop Egypt trying to beat a bunch of a-holes out of a room at the only flea bag motel in this #$@^* burg of a town. Bring that rig up here so you can haul that piece of crap you built for me back to your shop. What happened??? You ask what happened? Everything #$@^* 'n thing happened. First of all Buffy called a divorce lawyer because she got her hair wet and one of her implants sprung a leak. The car shook itself apart. Wait just a #$@^* minute, don't start in on me with chat hard riding, low profile tire "warning" bull again. I know, I know what you told me about that trick electrical stuff I wanted, but that's neither here nor there. I'm HERE with a ticked off wife with a blown out piles and a flat left boob. I've got a bad back, my right leg is still asleep my car is getting soaked you're THERE with a hundred grand of my #$@^* cash. CLICK! ...CLICK... BUZZZZZ
4:05 PM. Billy, is that you? Can't we talk this over like a couple of rational adults? Tell ya what: If you'll please come and get us I'll buy the truck and trailer and even pay you to paint the rig to match the roadster. I'm going to be a real street rodder, I don't care how #$@^* much it costs.

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